Taxi picnic

There is nothing more awkward than being in a taxi just covered with a cloud of silence. The taxi driver does not have any music playing in the background and the passengers could not be bothered with engaging in some trivial small-talk. But honestly, what is even worse is being excluded from the taxi picnic. The taxi picnic is a very special event that occurs without any prior notice. Invitations are not sent out and there is no arrangements done. Before the lovely event begins, the passengers make a few last minute stops for some snacks and other things. Once that is done and out of the way, they make their way to the taxi. The taxi conductor slams the door shut, windows are closed and let the taxi picnic is about to commence.

The taxi becomes suddenly is filled with a combination of sweet and sour aromas. They can either make your mouth salivate or you can be prompted to open the window as you would be simply too overwhelmed. Leading the taxi picnic is one of the taxi mamas. She has a full three course meal safely tucked in her oversized handbag. For starters she nibbles on some Cheetos, and then tosses the packet out the window. She digs in her bag of tricks and takes out some KFC. It is still warm and the smell even distracts the taxi driver. Once she has devoured that, she throws that out of the window too. As for desserts she gobbles up some fruit yoghurt that was also in some compartment of her bag. She lets out a loud burp in utter euphoria she leans back on her seat. She makes sure there is no evidence left before she reaches her destination. She will lie to her children who have made boiled cabbage for supper and tell them that “nginenhliziyo emnyama akudleki – I simply do not have an appetite.”

There are those passengers who pretend not to be fanatics of the taxi picnic. But one by one they slowly take out their food items. Some shyly eat and try not to make any eye contact, whereas there are others who even share amongst each other. Even the taxi conductor joins in and takes out a warm mealie that he bought minutes before getting in the taxi. Like any event, there is always a master of ceremony. For today’s taxi picnic the master of ceremony is one of the township drunks. He may have not have any food on him, but the alcohol running through his whole body is enough to keep him going. He dishes out advice and stories and he projects his voice as audible as possible.

It indeed a beautiful festivity; filled with contrasting smells and tastes, dirty stories told by the drunk taxi baba and smiles all around. Well, almost everybody is glee – the one guest who never seems to make it on the guest list, is our taxi driver. He never has the opportunity to participate in the taxi picnic. Well, his hands are tied and he has no choice but to accept that he shall remain excluded from the taxi picnic.

Taxi rank manager

“Uchama la sidlela khona wena, uzo chama eWimpy?” shouts one of the taxi drivers at the taxi rank to a man who is peeing at the corner right close to the taxi rank café. He zips his pants and much to his chagrin all eyes are immediately on him. The taxi driver soon hands him a bucket with water, some soap and a demands that he cleans his mess up. The poor guy does not stand a chance trying to argue his way out of this one. His not so innocent mistake has not only cost him a tone of embarrassment but if he does not finish cleaning up real soon he will also be late for work.

Taxi drivers may disagree on several topics, namely how our political leaders run the country or if Kaizer Chiefs better than Orlando Pirates at soccer to even whether women of a certain size should wear tight leggings. But many would agree that if you approach a group of taxi drivers with even an atom of disrespect, while they are smoking cigarettes and chatting amongst themselves at the taxi rank while they wait for their taxis to be full, they will equally take turns in chewing you up. Unfortunately this will not end there, as the taxi mamas who would have probably been watching the whole debacle in the taxi will also join in. But this post is not about these characters, but about another character of the taxi community who is sometimes a common foe for the taxi driver – meet the taxi rank manager.

Like taxi drivers and conductors, taxi rank managers come in all shapes and forms. This can be seen as one of the highest positions in the taxi business. Usually, taxi rank managers are men of a mature age who are former taxi drivers or even retrenched truck drivers who found solace in working in the taxi business. Due to their age, they can no longer work as conductors and some commuters feel that they not even suitable to work as taxi drivers – yes again because of their age, but this is for their own good since I do not think that some of these men can handle the new breed of Taxi Queens and the fast talking, back hand commentaries of the wild taxi mamas. They are selected and given this position by the taxi association, where sometimes most private meetings with taxi owners are held.

A typical day in the life of a taxi rank manager can start at the crack of dawn. They are positioned at various taxi ranks, with a walkie-talkie in hand and a clipboard under their arm. They are in charge of drafting the roster for the day. Some taxi rank managers hate the clipboard, so once they have drafted the list they clip it at the taxi rank on a pole and occasionally remind the drivers about the order that they shall be driving for the day. They are of course in good terms with the ladies who run the taxi rank café as they even get certain treats from them and some good conversation when they want to avoid arguing with the taxi drivers who seemingly always have something to complain about. Occasionally they hold meetings with the taxi drivers right at the taxi rank about certain changes that shall be implemented or if there is a new taxi driver that shall be joining the family. I have actually witnessed this once, the taxi rank manager gathered all drivers, and introduced Bab’ Gumede who had recently moved to Durban from Nquthu. Like a new kid in school trying to make a good impression in order not being bullied or other tragic things kids get up this day, Bab’ Gumede hands over a bottle of Coca Cola and this is shared amongst the men. Just like that he is their good books, well for now. The rank manager then steps aside and lets the new driver be better acquainted with his colleagues.

However through time the taxi rank has witnessed some changes. Nowadays you can find very young taxi rank managers with the infamous clipboard in hand. These guys over have been graced by a shower of good fortune – usually one starts off as a conductors, then upon receiving their licence they can move up to be a taxi driver and ultimately a taxi rank manager. But some guys have all the luck in the world – they go from being conductors and straight to taxi rank managers, how do they do it? I also do not have the answer to that question. Alas with some of the newly found young taxi rank managers the power goes straight to their heads and back down to their genitals. Some of them enjoy the authority that they now have over the drivers – some of these drivers once used to pick on them and disregard their existence, but now they’re calling the shots. The change of their position also influences how they dress and how they think women in particular perceive them now. From dressing in baggy, slightly torn jeans, they soon acquire a different style that also comes with a more lavish and extravagant style. They no longer eat at the taxi rank café but are now often seen walking at the rank with a cup of hot coffee from KFC along with a chicken and mayo sandwich. They stand there in their finest newly bought Levis jeans and reek of sheer arrogance. They believe women also notice this change and soon will be fawning over them, but little do they know that these women still view them as the conductor who had challenges with counting the taxi fare. They still see them as that conductor who was once treated like his driver’s skivvy. But they are oblivious to all of this, hey they now hold the clipboard.